[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
This could’ve been an email.