Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”