[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.