The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!