[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
birds and squirrels envy us
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.