I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.