eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool