dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.