Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you