Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Don’t talk down to me
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Its true…
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.