My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.