Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”