End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
My wife gives the best headache.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud