End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Lmao 🤣
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.