(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this πππππ
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Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say itβs unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know itβs bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best Iβm a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now weβre on our way to the park again
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so sheβs safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after βhow are theyβ is βhow is your husband doing with the kids when youβre gone all the time?β
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldnβt wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So Iβm just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, βAm I hot enough to make them hold the door?β
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone thatβs 5β5β
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of todayβs turkey.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber