Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Ovenable?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
this independent good boy don’t need no human
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
We’ve all been there…
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.