@toomanytoes: "Endless shrimp" sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It's a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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@ChrisThayerSays: I'm still drunk with power after a Jehovah's Witness asked, "'Can I ask you one question?" & I said, "I think you just did," + kept walking.
@sarousti: She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day....I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I'M the weirdo???
@odannyboy: DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie. Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
@GeorgiaSweet20: *walks into confessional, closes door and sits down* Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I've had a pretty wild week...