@toomanytoes: "Endless shrimp" sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It's a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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@notshivi: Everyone prepare yourself for National "How is it May already?" Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Did you lock the backdoor?" Me: "Yes I did." Burglar from downstairs: "No he didn't!"
@djdarrellripley: Me: I need to know what your office drug policy is. Him: No drugs. Me: Got it... Do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?
@ClichedOut: [watching video of an amazing feat] Age 20: i could do that Age 30: he's amazing Age 40: doesn't that guy work