“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Are we there yet?…
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses