ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
The Wolf of Wall Street.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.