Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!