Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
This raises questions
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product