@omgthatspunny: England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
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@Donna_McCoy: It's my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don't wreck it with words like "calorie count" and "hair on fire".
@jjhartinger: Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
@markedly: Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair