In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone