According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Happy weekend !
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry