ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.