English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
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Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day