english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
A great tip. #CakeRex
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I think the cat got the dog high.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…