My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Can Happiness buy money?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.