INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Well, that didn’t work.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.