Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.