Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!