Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
another case of gang violins
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun