Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
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I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”