I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
this came to me in a vision
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.