Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE