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I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.