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“dachshund”
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Something Saturday.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.