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ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
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Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..