<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.