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@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?