[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born