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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭