Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
You Might Also Like
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…