@KrunkedRobot: Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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@krisv_723: Sometimes when I'm driving I'm overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I'm Kris & I'll be your Uber driver.
@goolicker: There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails, but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.
@T_Bonezzz_: A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying "Shhh" w/out being murdered
@Donna_McCoy: I'm not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.