Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You Might Also Like
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
unbelievably distressed by this ad