(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”