*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
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My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace