i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I’ve had worse
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice