6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
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Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.