Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches