ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Going to church you guys need anything
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.