[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My life coach traded me.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Ummm
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.