[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
notice
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.